The Truth About Stress and Women: Why Coping Doesn't Always Mean You're Okay

If there's one thing I've learned from coaching women for over ten years, it's that fitness is rarely just about fitness.

When women first walk through the doors, they'll often tell me they want to lose weight, tone up, feel fitter or become stronger. Those goals are absolutely valid, but they are rarely the whole story. As trust builds and conversations become more honest, I often discover that what they're really looking for is a version of themselves they feel they've lost somewhere along the way. They want more energy. They want to feel confident again. They want to stop feeling so overwhelmed. They want to wake up without already feeling exhausted by the day ahead.

One conversation that comes up more than almost any other is stress.

Not the kind of stress we tend to picture when someone reaches breaking point, but the quieter, less obvious kind that slowly weaves itself into everyday life. The kind that becomes so familiar it no longer feels unusual. The kind that women carry so well that even those closest to them often don't realise the weight they're holding.

One of the things I admire most about women is their resilience. Time and time again, I watch women juggle careers, children, partners, ageing parents, friendships, households, finances and the endless list of invisible responsibilities that seem to exist only in their own minds. They remember birthdays, book appointments, organise holidays, keep cupboards stocked, reply to school emails, comfort everyone else when they're struggling and somehow still apologise to me because they missed a workout.

The irony is that many of these women don't see themselves as strong.

Instead, they tell themselves they're failing because they forgot something, because the washing is piling up or because they haven't found time to prioritise their own health.

What often goes unnoticed is something psychologists refer to as the mental load. It's the invisible work of constantly planning, anticipating, organising and remembering. Unlike physical tasks, the mental load doesn't stop when you sit down. It's the running list in your head reminding you that the dog needs a vaccination, the children's uniforms need washing, your mum's birthday is next week, the food shop hasn't been done and you've still not replied to that email from work.

Even when you're resting, your brain often isn't.

Over time, this constant state of mental vigilance can begin to feel completely normal. So normal, in fact, that many women no longer recognise it as stress at all. They simply describe themselves as "busy", convinced that this is just what adulthood is supposed to feel like.

The problem is that while our minds may adapt to chronic stress, our bodies never truly stop responding to it.

Stress is an extraordinary biological response designed to protect us. When the brain perceives a threat—whether that's narrowly avoiding a car accident or worrying about an overdue mortgage payment—it activates the sympathetic nervous system, often known as our "fight or flight" response. Almost instantly, hormones including adrenaline and cortisol are released into the bloodstream.

Adrenaline prepares the body for immediate action. Your heart beats faster, your breathing becomes quicker, blood is redirected towards your muscles and glucose is released to provide energy. Cortisol, often referred to as the body's primary stress hormone, works alongside this response by ensuring enough fuel is available to help you cope with whatever challenge lies ahead.

Thousands of years ago, this response was lifesaving. It helped our ancestors escape danger before allowing the body to return to a state of rest and recovery once the threat had passed.

The challenge today is that our brains often react to psychological pressures in much the same way they would to physical danger. An overflowing inbox, financial worries, relationship difficulties, caring responsibilities, lack of sleep and unrealistic expectations all activate the same physiological systems.

The body doesn't necessarily know the difference between running away from a predator and constantly feeling like you're running out of time.

When stress becomes chronic, the nervous system can remain switched on for prolonged periods. Instead of moving naturally between stress and recovery, many women spend weeks, months or even years existing in a heightened state of alertness without realising it.

Eventually, that begins to affect almost every system in the body.

Sleep is often one of the first things to suffer. You may feel utterly exhausted by the end of the day, yet your mind refuses to slow down when your head finally reaches the pillow. Others wake repeatedly during the night or find themselves awake hours before the alarm with racing thoughts they can't switch off.

Digestion can also change significantly. The gut and the brain are closely connected, meaning prolonged stress may contribute to bloating, constipation, diarrhoea, indigestion or a general feeling of discomfort. Many women notice their appetite changes too. Some lose interest in food altogether, while others crave sugary or highly processed foods because the body is searching for quick sources of energy during prolonged periods of stress.

Hormones can become affected as well. Chronic stress doesn't directly "break" your hormones, but elevated cortisol can influence the delicate balance of other hormones throughout the body. Some women experience changes to their menstrual cycle, worsening premenstrual symptoms or more noticeable symptoms during perimenopause and menopause. For women already navigating hormonal changes, chronic stress can make those symptoms feel even more challenging.

Energy levels rarely remain untouched. It's common to feel physically drained despite doing very little physical activity, to rely on caffeine simply to get through the day or to feel as though your motivation has disappeared completely. Recovery from exercise can slow, minor illnesses seem to appear more frequently and even small setbacks can feel disproportionately overwhelming.

Perhaps one of the cruellest aspects of chronic stress is that it doesn't always feel dramatic.

It often feels... normal.

I've lost count of the number of women who have told me they're "fine", only to describe sleeping five hours a night, skipping meals, constantly feeling anxious, relying on caffeine to function, struggling with headaches, forgetting things, feeling emotionally overwhelmed and never taking time for themselves.

Somewhere along the way, exhaustion has become something many women wear almost as a badge of honour.

Being busy is often celebrated. Being available to everyone else is praised. Taking on more responsibility is viewed as strength, while slowing down can feel uncomfortable or even selfish.

I hear the guilt all the time.

"I should be able to cope."

"I'll get back to the gym once life settles down."

"I can't justify taking an hour for myself."

"I feel guilty leaving everyone else."

What breaks my heart is that these are often the same women who would encourage a friend to rest without hesitation. They would tell someone they love to ask for help, to take care of themselves and to stop being so hard on themselves. Yet when it comes to their own wellbeing, those same words somehow don't apply.

One of the greatest misconceptions about exercise is that it's simply a way to burn calories or change the way we look.

Yes, movement can improve our physical health, but after years of coaching I've become far more interested in what it does for the mind and the nervous system.

Regular movement, particularly strength training, has been shown to help regulate our stress response. Exercise encourages the release of endorphins, supports better sleep, improves mood, enhances resilience to future stress and gives the brain an opportunity to step away from the constant cycle of worry and responsibility. Strength training, in particular, allows many women to reconnect with what their bodies can do rather than constantly focusing on what they look like.

I've watched women arrive believing they needed to become smaller and leave discovering that what they really needed was to feel stronger.

Not just physically, but emotionally too.

I've seen women who once apologised for taking up space begin standing taller. Women who doubted themselves begin trusting their own decisions. Women who arrived believing they weren't capable of lifting a weight become women who realised they were capable of so much more than they ever imagined.

Fitness didn't solve every problem in their lives.

But it reminded them that they mattered too.

One of the most important things we can do is learn to recognise when stress has quietly become chronic rather than simply accepting it as normal. If you constantly feel tired despite sleeping, struggle to switch your mind off, find yourself becoming increasingly irritable, experience regular digestive issues, rely heavily on caffeine or sugar to get through the day, become ill more often than usual, or can't remember the last time you truly relaxed without feeling guilty, it may be worth asking yourself whether your body has been trying to tell you something for quite some time.

Recognising these signs isn't about labelling yourself as unable to cope. It's about understanding that your body is incredibly intelligent. Symptoms are often messages rather than inconveniences. They're your body's way of asking for recovery, support and balance.

After more than ten years of coaching women, there is one lesson that continues to stay with me above all else.

Women are remarkably resilient.

They are capable of carrying extraordinary emotional, physical and mental loads. But just because you can carry something doesn't mean you should have to carry it forever.

Strength isn't measured by how much pressure you can endure before breaking.

Real strength is recognising when you've been carrying too much for too long and having the courage to put some of it down.

You don't have to earn rest.

You don't have to wait until you reach breaking point before looking after yourself.

And you certainly don't have to feel guilty for making your own wellbeing a priority.

Because the healthiest, strongest version of you isn't the woman who carries everyone else at the expense of herself.

It's the woman who finally realises that she deserves the same care, compassion and attention that she so freely gives to everyone else.